just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We got so high we made milksteak
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is Oprah even human
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i think i just naturally attract stoners
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
