We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
