I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
