peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize