Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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