Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He? As in you personified your dick?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
