Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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