Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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