Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
