Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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