He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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