you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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