Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
