Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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