Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
