forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
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I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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