I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
