3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
