Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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