I accidentally had phone sex last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
