I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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