This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
