Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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