I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
