Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize