you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
