dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
