would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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