I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
