Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
