im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
