Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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