help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
