The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We're too hungover to prance.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
