You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
