I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
smell my finger.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
