I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sober January is a disaster.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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