Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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