Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
