so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
