Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
