end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my being single is dangerous.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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