That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
