I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
