He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
