i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
