umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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