Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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