highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
