I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
