The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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