Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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