Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
