I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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