ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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