6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
