woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
