So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
